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Thursday, March 3, 2016

Kelly's year in space


I’ll always remember the day Scott Kelly returned to earth as the day I learned Neil Armstrong spelled backwards is “Gnorts, Mr. Alien!”
Kelly today is the most interesting man on the planet because it’s been nearly one year since he’s been on the planet.
He’ll today begin submitting to various tests to determine how near-zero gravity affects bone density, blood cells composition, muscular degeneration, etc. It’s already being reported he grew two inches in space, which, by the way, validates futuristic speculation in my new book that innovative NBA franchises will one day begin raising athletic children on the moon for draft purposes.
So much to learn and to compare with his earthbound-twin brother, Mark Kelly.
It would have been fun to see the look on Mark’s face if Scott returned to earth with a full head of hair.
I’m interested to learn the level of the returning Kelly’s horniness.
I have to think he’s really, really horny.
Of course, that’s a perhaps unfair assumption from me, a monogamous heterosexual.
It was not uncommon for ancient sailors on year-long voyages to turn situationally homosexual to score their primal jollies.
Maybe we’ll learn that happened with Kelly and Russian crewmate Mikhail Korniyenko. The pair shared 10,944 sunrises and sunsets and you’d have to think at least one or two of them were spectacular enough to make one put an arm around the other or maybe a hand on a nearby thigh.
Who knows where that could lead?
It’d be a great story for romantics like me.
I haven’t been paying close attention to the mission, but now am eager to learn everything I can.
I want to know if Kelly’s arms are again at his sides.
I heard him say about a month ago that the reduced gravity led his arms to float out in front of him the way ours would if we’re standing neck-deep in a pool.
I was hoping to see footage of him returning to earth with his arms out in front of him like a loose zombie out for a stroll.
How do you think you’d do after a year in space? What would you miss?
I’m pretty confident I could endure even prison if it had a decent library cart roll by my cell every few days.
What’s surprising to me is how impossible it is to disconnect from earth even in outer space.
Kelly was active on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. He knew all the headlines about Trump, Deflategate and the crowd of lilly white Oscar nominees.
Guaranteed, he heard from his old lady at least a couple of times when the faucet sprung a leak or the kids were at each others’ throats.
It used to be said in space no one can hear you scream.
No more.
If Kelly farted we virtually smelled it. It was reported he drank 190 gallons of his own urine and sweat that had been converted into coffee. His tweet: “Good to the last drop!”
“I miss the earth so much. I miss my wife. It’s lonely out in space.”
That’s Elton John’s 1972 ode to “Rocket Man” loneliness.
No more.
Kelly proved that nowadays when you go into space, you’re taking all of us with with you.
And that’s pretty cool.
So I’ll eagerly follow all the news and await the really big stories, books and broadcasts to learn the details of how space changed him.
He’s already done so much to re-ignite interest in the space program.
That means there’s only one more thing he could do cause interest to, well, lift off.
That would be confide to reporters his frame wasn’t the only thing space extended.
Gnorts, my friends!

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