Monday, June 2, 2014

Best tweets from last month

I know, I know. What kind of blogger starts the week off with a lame Twitter round-up? Well, my car’s getting worked on and I might not be able to post anything else until near dinner. So I had to at least show up today. Not posting anything might cause the blogger federation to launch an investigation.

These are all from 8days2amish.


• #JohnLennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m thinking of forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!"

• Many people pray to God without ever realizing how many God-like powers we all possess. With just one word we can make or ruin someone's day.

• We’ve all heard of gators being flushed and growing in sewers to terrifying sizes. Anyone wonder what’s happening to all the #stinkbugs ?

• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 70 and will one day die eased somewhat with the realization Keith never will.

• Daughter, 13, just texted me she is bored spending time at grandpa's. I advised her to set something on fire.

• When Kris Kristofferson sings about Bobby McGee, it's about a woman. When Janis does, it's a dude. Question: Is Bobby McGee a hermaphrodite?

• Being happy isn’t as important as always trying to be happy. Happiness can be taken away. Always trying is what makes happy a habit.

• I’d like to see a reality show about former reality show stars desperately clinging to fame by pitching new reality shows.

• #Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus.

• Surprised Conservatives angry about global warming proponents haven't demanded Beach Boys renounce their "Endless Summer" album.”

• Swore it wouldn't happen. Swore they wouldn't wear me down. Wrong! I now think I'm being witty when I ask people, "What's in your wallet?”

• Supreme Court allows #publicprayer at municipal meetings. Oh, goody. I’m sure politicians will immediately cease acting like craven jerks.

• Physicians who share waiting rooms often try each others' patients.

• Tomorrow NFL commish Goodell will euphorically hug large men with whom he has nothing in common & will soon anger with fines & suspensions

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL)

• I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.

• Making a good first impression important, but I’ve found the ones who make best impression are ones who at first make barely any impression

• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall

• I hope tonight Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration. 

• Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.

• Skeptical parents’ refusal to get kids inoculated against infectious diseases is turning measles into youasles. 

• A good shower is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 13, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• You’d think from today's Facebook every mom's a saint. Nope. One of these days I'm going to write a book, "Famous Sons of Famous Bitches.”

• Naming a baby boy "Les" is fraught with pitfalls. He could be Les Moore, Les White, Les Hart. I wonder if anyone's ever named a son Fewer.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys

• How come doctors don't prescribe laughing gas for patients in "serious" condition?

• I wonder if Noah had a momentary crisis of faith when he saw two stink bugs approaching the ark.

• I wonder if Caveman upon first seeing his reflection thought he was repugnant or said, “My God, I’m gorgeous!”

• I know a secret! I know why there's a hole in donuts. I think I'll let the suspense on this one build until it's fit to bust.

• If I were a marine biologist I’d try and get my colleagues to call a school of fish a campus.

• “Caught in a world of uphill climbin’, tears are in my eyes an’ nothin’ is rhymin’!” Oh, Manilow. That IS rhyming!

• Cook at office/bar said he'd seen me at bar 3 times in last 24 hours. Bartender said if I worked above a bakery I'd weigh 500 pounds.

• Someday I hope I'm as happy as the girls in the hair commercials. They make having really great hair seem utterly euphoric.

• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.

• I so enjoy it I don't want sticks of butter, I want butter on a stick.

• I’ll probably see the movie, but as scary as Godzilla looks I'm surprised Hollywood hasn't made a movie about Devilzilla.

• Just learned #KarlRove was born on Dec. 25. I believe it's the only thing he and Jesus have in common.

• Do sober people who are on the wagon fight over who gets to be the wagon's designated driver?

• I find it impossible to eat a whole carrot without at least once saying aloud, "Eh . . . What's up, Doc?”

• In her restless quest to determine who has more omnipotence, daughter, 7, asked who has more elves: God or Santa?

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• The greatest lie we tell to one another is, “Hate to say I told you so, but ...” Saying, “I told you so,” is one of life’s greatest joys.

• One of these days I'm going to share the story of the unscrupulous masseuse who was arrested for armed rubbery.

• Having a bad day? Try humming in your head the Vince Guaraldi piano riff from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Works every time.

• I like to ask fitness fanatics if dire situations required the deed, what part of themselves would they eat 1st. Most fun with vegetarians.

• I remain amazed the lobster tanks at my grocery store are locked. What shoplifter is brave enough to shove a live lobster down his pants?

• The older I get the more the term “religious holiday” strikes me as an oxymoron.

• Told 7-year-old if she squeeze a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• I wish when I was younger I'd joined the Peace Corps and did hydro-electric work in 3rd world countries so I could say I once gave a dam.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests. 

• Until every single crawling or winged insect respects a 5-foot privacy zone around my exposed skin, summer will always be overrated.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Some sleepless night I'm gonna invent a game I'll call "Insomnia Bingo." On-line players report the clock times they awaken until “Bingo!"

• Sure, he has his faults but the only thing I can conclude about fevered Obama-bashers is they must have been sound asleep from 2000-2008.

• We’re depleting the oceans, burning the forests, using up all the resources. We're not Earthlings. We're parasites with personalities.

• Remember, having a really great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap

• Some who want to "take our country back" mean to a time when old white men ruled country. Me, I want it back to when #Steelers ruled it.

• Saying an injured ball player is "day-to-day" drives me nuts. We're all day-to-day!


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2 comments:

Tom B5 said...

If you write that book about Famous Sons of Famous Bitches,you'll have to give the Bush boys their own chapter.

Chris Rodell said...

Ouch! You're letting your partisan colors show, Tom!