I was pleased same-sex marriage was given the green light here in Pennsylvania last week and not just because it gives me another opportunity to trot out one of my favorite lines, which is:
“If marriage is such a great idea then how come there’s no Mrs. God?”
Think about it: God could have any woman He wants and if He’s picky he could just create the perfect woman. And what the perfect woman would be is a topic for another day.
Still, God goes through eternity as all creation’s most eligible bachelor.
It’s something for starry-eyed couples of all sexual orientations to consider.
But the main reason I’m pleased is a selfish one: I didn’t want the Keystone State to be last to do so. I didn’t want my home state to be the hold-out. The bitter ender.
The last man standing who isn’t standing next to and holding the hand of another man.
Because there's a 50-50 chance that state will be the site of a circus. There will be parades, protests, and lots and lots of on-camera kissing like the kind St. Louis Rams defensive end Michael Sams did with his boyfriend.
There will be boycotts and boys in cots.
So which state is it going to be?
We know it won’t be Vermont. They in 2009 became the first state to approve gay marriage, a fitting groundbreaker for a state whose most famous industry is run by a pair of sweethearts named Ben & Jerry.
And it’s not going to be California, Connecticut, Delaware, D.C. Hawaii, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, Vermont or Washington, all states which proceeded Pennsylvania in declaring same sex marriage the law of the land.
And it won’t be any of eight prominent Native American tribes, which stealthily and, I think, progressively over the last few years approved same sex marriage within their cash cow casino sovereignties.
I think that’s going to surprise many bigots who have trouble thinking that warrior braves who once fought so nobly against white invaders could be homosexual, too.
Well, it’ll surprise bigots who’re not familiar with the original lineup of the Village People.
Smart money says the last state will be from the Deep South or the Bible Belt.
That may have been true 10 years ago when many people in Alabama still had rabbit ears — and that’s not a prejudicial comment about the appearance of your typical Alabamian. It’s a reference to an old TV reception device.
Today even many backwards people throughout the land have access to hundreds of channels that depict the LGBT lifestyle as perfectly normal — probably more normal than those of many dysfunctional viewers.
They’ve seen and become comfortable watching charismatic homosexuals on “American Idol,” “Dancing With The Stars,” and in Alabama I’m sure many were openly rooting for the openly gay Alabamian Colton Cumbie to win “Survivor.”
If watching stereotypical gay people makes you uncomfortable, you wouldn’t have enjoyed watching Colton. On any arbitrary gay scale, Cumbie was way, way over on the side where Johnnie from the uproarious “Airplane!” movies hung his frilly apron.
But you would have loved his fiancé Caleb Bankston. The two were on “Survivor: Blood and Water” together and Caleb behaved like the kind of guy any reasonable Crimson Tide fan would like as a neighbor.
Granted, that is based on the wild assumption that there are ANY reasonable Crimson Tide fans.
Pat Robertson is probably right now praying Virginia will be the last stand for traditional marriage. There’s not a chance of that happening. Virginia clings to many traditional values, sure, but they also have a large population of devout Christian conservatives.
Sure, these people are the most likely to revile gays, but they’re also the kind of people who after years and years of saying they hate homosexuals come out and say — Surprise! — I AM homosexual!
I refer to these people as “slomosexuals.”
Arizona might be last. They were last to legislate Martin Luther King Jr. Day and are right now first in hatred.
They hate illegal immigrants. They hate Obama. They hate people who hate crazy open carry laws. So, of course, they hate homosexuals.
I’m rooting for them to be last because it’ll be just a wonderful show.
Militant gays from all over the country would descend on places like Phoenix and Tucson to protest because they believe in their cause and because they’re such warm and fun places to wear Speedos and hold kiss-ins.
But I suspect the economic pressure will be too great and Arizona decision makers will eventually cave.
That’s why I think the last one will be a place where nobody is, one of our four or five least populace states.
I eliminate South Dakota because it’s already as state with a vested interest in accommodating four rock hard guys spending lots of intimate time together. I’m thinking here of Mt. Rushmore.
If we were going strictly on least populace, that would mean Wyoming. With just 1.05 million residents, tiny Rhode Island has nearly twice the population as Wyoming’s 576,000.
But Wyoming has a large gay tourist population and that means money.
Why Wyoming? “Brokeback Mountain” was filmed there.
So I think the last state to extend same sex marriage legalities will be the third least populace state (Vermont is second least).
I think it’s going to be North Dakota.
I’m not sure there are any gay people in the whole state. Heck, I’m not sure there are any people in the whole state.
That means one of the most divisive wedge issues in recent memory will end, not through bitter agitation, but through social indifference.
And on that day we will be one step nearer the Founders’ vision of true equality, one nation under God, a God who I’m sure will remain steadfastly single throughout all our silly tumult about what many insist on calling holy matrimony.
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