Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Secret Service agents have balls; maybe shouldn't

The romantic in me is hoping pending investigations reveal the Secret Service agents and their Columbian prostitutes have all fallen in love and are planning to open an ice cream parlor in Cartagena.

I’d like to hear testimony that the girls were, yes, prostitutes, albeit reluctant ones, but were also great admirers of America, President Obama, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton.

For parochial reasons, it’d be cool if they said they were Pittsburgh Steeler fans, too.

And that it’s all just a big misunderstanding. They weren’t in those luxury suites for party sex.

They were there for civics lessons and things got way out of hand. That’s what can happen when enthusiasm for constitutional checks and balances is unleashed.

Given the trajectory of society, I fear that won’t be the case.

If there were any stalwart bastions of integrity and discipline left, I figured they had to reside in elite branches of the federal government.

Geez, let down by the Secret Service and the General Services Administration both in the same week.

A compelling argument’s been advanced that this couldn’t have been a first-time thing, that this sort of behavior is woven into agency lore.

That simultaneously dismays and titillates.

The service part has enjoyed a stellar reputation that seemed authenticated by the secret part.

Now it looks like we have a one in 11 shot at finally getting a good tell-all book from a former Secret Service agent. And those of us who savor randy entertainment can all hope he served as far back as the Clinton presidency.

I can only recollect three good portrayals of the secret service in action and all of them coincided with Clinton’s presidency.

The first was Clint Eastwood and John Malcovich from “In the Line of Fire” from 1993. It’s highly entertaining but seemed contrived. Eastwood didn’t have any real relationship with the president, choosing instead to have one with fellow agent Rene Russo.

Good call, Clint.

A really great movie, also from 1993, featured an interesting and warm relationship between a stoic secret service agent and a friendly body double who assumes the presidency when the real thing has a stroke while screwing an underling.

Yes, there was something about Clinton that really ignited Hollywood imaginations.

Anyway, that film is one of my favorites. It’s Kevin Kline’s “Dave.”

The third wasn’t a film, but a Saturday Night Live sketch and one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. It starred Phil Hartman as Clinton and Kevin Nealon as a secret service agent who accompanies the then-tubby president elect on a morning jog that detours into a McDonald’s.

Here’s the opening dialogue:

Bill Clinton: “Alright, boys, let’s stop here for a second. I’m a little parched from the jog.”

Secret Service Agent: “Sir, we’ve only been jogging for three blocks. Besides, Mrs. Clinton asked us not to let you in any more fast food restaurants.”

BC: “I just want to mingle with the American people, talk with some real folks, maybe get a Diet Coke or something . . .”

SSA: “Fine, but please don’t tell Mrs. Clinton.”

BC, erupting in buddy-buddy laughter: “Jim, let me tell you something -- there’s gonna be a whole lot of things we don’t tell Mrs. Clinton about! Fast food is going to be the least of our worries!”

It’s absolutely uproarious. Check it out here.

Twenty years later, we have a Clinton in Columbia under Secret Service protection being photographed dancing and guzzling beer and the visit results in a huge scandal involving, not the Clinton, but our most vaunted security forces.

I guess that’s progress.

Of course, we may have to go back to the future for real progress.

Ancient history reveals rulers once insisted on castrated guards because they were unlikely to trifle with the harem or engage in thoughts that distract men imbued with testosterone.

It’s something to consider. This is a potentially catastrophic breach and the bi-partisan condemnation means our legislators are taking it seriously.

Best part of this eunuch solution is it wouldn’t cost taxpayers a dime and no one ever need know it’s even been done.

I’m sure wives of the straying agents will be happy to keep the service secret.

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