I'll be wrapping today at Barnes & Noble! Or is it rapping?

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If it’s been too long since anyone’s made real eye contact while giving you a friendly smile, please stop by the Greensburg Barnes & Noble from 10 to 2 p.m. or from 3 to about 7 p.m.

I’ve been invited to be there to sell books by being what I was told is a “guest wrapper.”

At least I hope it’s wrapper.

If it’s rapper, I think the store and its customers are in a lot of trouble.

Of course, if rapping sells books, I’ll rap. I’ll do what ever it takes.

But I’ve found a eye contact and a friendly smile often does the trick.

Some people, especially during this holiday season, are reluctant to make eye contact. They’ll think I’m trying to sell them a book.

They are mistaken.

I’m trying to sell them multiple books.

In many cases I’ll succeed.

By now, I have a strong and authentic pitch about why everyone should buy copies of “Use All The Crayons!” for themselves and the people for whom they’re buying gifts.

The best thing about this year, book-wise, is I had a real breakthrough in becoming an entertaining public speaker. And that, these days, is key to selling books.

The best was in June when I was invited to address 250 West Virginia University 4-H students and I brought the house down.

Honest. I’d never spoken to a group of more than 50 prior to that. But a woman who heard me speak at the Greensburg library to a group of about 15 one snowy February day thought my humor and my message would be perfect for her students. I was very nervous.

Still, it went great. They were very enthused by what I had to say.

Of course, that wasn’t good enough for me. I’d in advance arranged for one of the audio/visual students to film the whole thing. So what I said mattered little.

What mattered was how they’d react to what I said. I needed to have them being filmed giving me a tremendous ovation.

That’s why on the way down I dreamed up the idea to orchestrate a second ovation.

So as they were applauding my conclusion, I held up my hand in interruption and said, “I’m filming this for promotional reasons. So I’m going to do the last 30 seconds over again — and this time I want you to go out of your minds. I want you to react like you think I’m Oprah and I’ve promised you each a brand new car.”

And that’s exactly what happened. You can check it out right here. It’s very funny.

That clip’s earned a lot of attention and I’m using it and others to propel me in my quest to secure other speaking engagements. Really good money in that. Plus, as at the WVU thing, and sold them 250 books before I set foot in the door. 

My goal is to get one of those every two weeks or so by mid 2015. I think I finally see a path to solvency and it starts in my mouth.

What’ll I get out of today? If I sell 30 of the 40 books the store is stocking, I’ll be thrilled. It’ll be a long day, but it’ll be a lot of fun. I’m a joyful mingler.

And I’m serious about the eye contact. I try not to read or look distracted.

But even if you’re shy about eye contact and have no interest in buying a book, I do think you should stop by.

I’m bringing Christmas cookies!

And who knows?

There’s still a chance you’ll get to hear me rap.

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Saturday, my most humiliating book signing ever!

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I’ve crowed about my successes, the loot I’ve made and how book signings featuring me and “Use All The Crayons!” have illuminated my path to authorial fame and fortune.

So I guess it’s only fair for me to share the news when one’s a real stinker. And, boy, Saturday’s was a real stinker.

Or maybe not.

Not a single nose capable of detecting an odor showed up.

In keeping with my book’s message, I was able to find even a silver lining to that.

A friend of mine had mentioned attending to film the whole event for a YouTube commercial highlighting my compelling speaking abilities. Thank heavens even he couldn’t make it.

So it was just me all alone in what is known as — and this is factual — The Quiet Room at the great Carnegie Library in Oakland. I was part of a weekly event called “The People’s University,” a Saturday lecture series that is about to conclude due in declining interest, in no small part now thanks to me.

Yes, me and my book helped put a once-worthy idea on the library equivalent of Double Secret Probation. The librarian may now forever recall the day I spoke at The Carnegie as “The Quiet Room’s Most Quiet Day.”

“I’m so very sorry,” she said with charming sincerity. “I was hoping we’d get a really good crowd for you. The niche speakers do well. We had one a couple of months ago that drew about 80 people.”

What was the topic?

“How to raise chickens in your home.”

Now, why didn’t I think of that?

“There’s a lot of urban interest in raising chickens. He was very specific. He’d talk about things like how to remove worms from a chicken’s claws. People were hanging on his every word.”

How do you do it?

“How do you do what?”

Remove worms from a chicken’s claws?

“Do you raise chickens?”

No, I raise worms. I'm into vermiculture.

I could tell by her reaction it was all starting to make sense.

She felt so bad for me I began feeling bad for her. It’s quite common for empathetic strangers to feel bad for me when they see me in the midst of some petty career humiliation. Really, they shouldn’t feel bad for me.

They should feel bad for my wife!

Pinning down how many I’d hoped would show up is nebulous, but I will say I brought 40 books, which I carried in a great big heavy box all the way from my distant parking space and back, so I did learn a good lesson there.

My next book isn’t going to weigh nearly as much.

About 10 minutes before my appointed time, I decided to do a little on-sight promo in the library cafeteria where about 15 people were gathered in buzzy little groups.

I held my 2-by-3 1/2 foot poster board of the book’s aloft and boldly announced, “Can I have your attention? I’d like to invite you all to follow me over to The Quiet Room where I’ll be speaking about my book, “Use All The Crayons!” And what makes my book so special? This is its actual size.”

About three people laughed out loud. About three people smiled politely. The rest gave the nowadays-normal reaction and simply looked relieved my aberrant behavior wasn’t a prelude to gunfire.

I’m not exaggerating when I say how relieved I was my friend was otherwise occupied — apparently right along with the rest of the entire city of Pittsburgh. He told me the day before another day would likely be better for him.

How prophetic.

Can you imagine that humiliation? He’d have taken up a whole day driving to Pittsburgh, setting up his cameras and waiting in vain for even one person to become the audience.

Experience is teaching me my best and most lively book signings are either at taverns or social luncheons where alcohol is available; my worst at book stores or libraries.

Lesson? People with at least a chance of being impaired are more susceptible to buying my book, and my book is least appealing to sober people who most love books.

Of course, had my friend shown up with his cameras, I’d have felt obliged to hold forth. The results would surely have been interesting.

It would have been like a seance. I would have given my talk with all the requisite drama and he would have panned across the rows and rows of empty seats.

We could have dubbed in some chanted Latin like the kind in “The Omen” whenever Damian was about to off another nanny.

The result would have been so perfectly bizarre it would have a shot at becoming a YouTube sensation.

Especially if smiling souls began materializing in the empty seats!

You know, I might be onto something.

I’m going to set my alarm for 5 a.m. tomorrow to do some brainstorming.

Because as everyone knows the early bird always gets the worm.

And now I’ll know just who to call if one of them ever gets one stuck in its claw.

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Hoping for many moneychangers at church book signing tonight

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I’ll be talking about my book at 7 p.m. tonight at the Westminster Presbyterian Church on Rt. 19 in Upper Saint Clair in Pittsburgh’s South Hills.

Just because the Presbyterians will outnumber you, doesn’t mean you Jews, Baptists, Catholics, Muslims and others -- I’m looking right at to you, you godless atheists! -- shouldn’t attend. I intend on delivering a lively 30-minute address that promises to be as colorful as an Atomic Tangerine.

Like Jesus Christ, I draw no denominational lines when it comes time to proselytize; him on behalf of eternal salvation, me on behalf of “Use All The Crayons!” 

But unlike Jesus, I promise not to become petulant and make a Scripture-worthy scene by overturning any tables if any one wants to conduct a little commerce within sacrilegious proximity of the altar (we're in the basement so I think we're safe).

On the contrary, I wholeheartedly endorse it. It’s just one of the ways in which I differ from our Lord and savior.

Well, one of the many ways.

I’m hoping for robust sales. The book retails for $15.95, but on occasions like this I’m selling them for just $10 each. The reduced price makes it affordable for most everyone, encourages multiple sales and is just way, way easier for me when it comes to doing any math.

And to avoid anyone going all Messiah-like on any prospective moneychangers, I plan on bringing a thick fistful of fives and singles for handy distribution.

Just like I used to do on the nights when we’d go to the strip clubs!

The church website boasts it has more than 1,800 members, about 40 of whom the organizer said might show up for my talk. That means I’m missing out on about 1,760 potential sales.

I plan on at least asking if they’ll let me deliver the Sunday sermon.

And that’s one service, I swear, you wouldn’t want to miss.

I’m really beginning to relish these opportunities to get out into the communities and speak to civic organizations. The response has been fantastic.

Lately, I’m hitting all the area Rotary groups. See upcoming “tour” dates below.

What happened last week with the Washington, Pa., Rotary Club was typical. I sent a very polite e-mail saying that I, a “motivational humorist,” was eager to speak to their group about my book. I include links to the website and 10 of the more over-the-top items from the book.

For example, Colorful Living Tip No. 399: “Open an art gallery with nothing on the walls. Then invite people to enter and be greeted by forty guys who say nothing but, “Hi, I’m Art!”

Now, forgive my pride, but that’s just funny. I dreamed it up a couple of years ago when I was walking through the Guggenheim Museum in New York with a guy named Art.

Sometimes you just get lucky.

But I didn’t hear from my contact for several days and was beginning to think maybe I’d better follow up.

Then he got in touch with a very proper note inviting me to speak at their club. We had a brief exchange that was all very formal, very professional. Then he came back with this:

“I very much look forward to meeting you. I understand you buy your clothes at Victoria’s Secret.”

It wasn’t a slam at my masculinity.

I mean, who would dare challenge me in that realm?

It was a sly reference to an old story I did when I used to do wacky radio stunts for WDVE-FM radio.

He later confessed he’d researched me and talked with past attendees who’d heard me talk. “And all you got were favorable comments!!!!”

Note: The four exclamation points were his.

And here for years I labored under the mistaken impression that I was only funny to friendly inebriates!

I sent him a crayon-signed book right away.

I got a similarly warm welcome from the folks in Uniontown. And I’m busy booking more dates. Please get in touch if you know of a civic group that might enjoy hearing me talk.

Here’s the upcoming events in which I’ll try and say the same thing different ways:

• Carnegie Library, Oakland, April 4, 3 p.m.

• Norwin Library, April 12, 1-3 p.m.

• Washington Rotary, Washington and Jefferson University, April 15, noon

• Barnes & Noble, Morgantown, W.Va., May 3, noon to 4 p.m.

• Uniontown Rotary, May 6, noon

• Monroeville Library, June 7

And if you’re in the Upper St. Clair area tonight, stop by the Westminster Presbyterian Church, a place renown for so celebrating The Good Book that for at least one night it can withstand a little discussion about a pretty okay one.

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Someone stole my book! A "Use All The Crayons!" update

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I’d like to use today’s blog to alert authorities of the commission of a heinous crime:

Someone stole a copy of “Use All The Crayons!”

Quick! Anyone know how we can resurrect J. Edgar Hoover?

Oh, how I dreamed this day would dawn.

See for about a year I’ve toyed with the idea of filing a false police report claiming someone broke into my car to steal a box of my books.

I thought that would be dynamite publicity.

To make the story more attractive to essential tabloid reporters I was going to say the books were on the seat right next to a loaded pistol, a stack of cash, a bag of medicinal marijuana and one of those baby pandas from the Washington Zoo.

And that all the thief deemed worthy of stealing was “Use All The Crayons!”

That would make a great story, wouldn’t it?

What really happened is less compelling, but it’s still retail theft and I’m very proud.

The crime happened last Friday at the Barnes & Noble on Medina Road in Akron, Ohio, where I’d been invited to attend the Fall Local Author Exposition.

For those of you who’ve never read my blog or are casual about geographic details,     I’m not from Akron, a place I’ve been to twice, once to buy gas.

My home is in Latrobe, Pa., about 125 miles southeast of Akron.

So how did B&N management come to consider me a local Akron kid?

It’s all thanks to chutzpa. I may be too lazy to do any real work -- and hallelujah for that -- but I do have chutzpa and sometimes chutzpa helps.

A few months ago I sent about three dozen letters to store managers in locations all over Pennsylvania and Ohio asking them to stock my book.

About half of them instantly refused saying that granting my request would be in violation of company policy about stocking self-published print-on-demand books like mine. 

But I was emboldened by the reaction of the many people who were loving the book, and the fact that more than a dozen area stores were already defying company policy to find shelf space for “Crayons!”

So while sticklers and corporate suck-ups said no, soulful free-thinkers saw merit in my crafty letter and today my book is in more than 40 stores in four states.

A few were so enamored with the book they reached out to have me visit their stores to sign copies. That’s how I wound up in Akron last Friday (also, I’ll be at the Altoona B&N Oct. 12 from noon to 4 p.m.).

Crayon sales aside: the entity that prints “Crayons!” informed me last month my book surpassed key sales thresholds that meant it had automatically earned what they call STAR Program designation. That means they are right now spending nearly $3,000 on it to polish it and prepare it for national distribution.

And that’s all their money. So, finally, some savvy business types are recognizing they can make money off me by spending their money on me.

It gives me the opportunity to refine parts of the book based on reader reaction. I’ve junked about 30 lamer items and punched it up with what I hope is funnier stuff.

What does this mean for me? It could be huge. 

What’s it mean for you? It means if you’ve already bought the book, you’ll have to buy the shiny new version or risk feeling your colorfulness begin to diminish.

To paraphrase what George Patton shouted to Erwin Rommel while defeating his tank commanders across the North African deserts, “I read your book, Steve Jobs, you beautiful bastard! I read your book!”

There’s a risk for me spending an entire day driving to sign books in a city where I’m an unknown quantity.

But the store said they’d order 40 books. That’s huge. That’s 40 books I’d sign that would circulate through their system until each sold. And, guaranteed, sell they will.

Plus, one of my best buddies lives on a family apple orchard in nearby Kent. I knew I could attend the book signing, scoot over to Kent and spend a lively night drinking beer with my buddy who’d send me home with a big bag of free apples.

Understand, I’ve blogged for free for nearly five years. So that one night in Akron was looking like a gaudy windfall.

And Beckwith Orchard apples are delicious!

Ever wonder what goes on at an unknown author book signing?

It’s not like what happens with John Grisham and Stephen King.

In our case, the four congregated authors stand around and trade grim, quiet stories about what humiliated failures we’ve each become. We do this until a potential customer comes by at which point we smile brightly and try to convince the passerby that he or she ought to buy our books.

That way they could be just like us!

I sold five books. 

And I was the evening’s best seller!

I was not at all displeased. Two of the books were bought by store personnel who will now, I’m sure, become pivot point sales advocates for me.

And don’t forget the free apples!

Two writers were skunked, including a friendly woman who also wrote, like me, a self-improvement book.

She suggested we trade books.

I politely declined. As anyone can see by my “What I’m Reading . . .” sidebar, I gravitate toward history books.

I may have written a self-help book, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to read one.

Funny, it seems many potential Akron B&N customers must feel the exact same way.

But she persisted. With nothing else to do, she sat and listened to me tell stories of my colorful past for nearly an hour. She was impressed.

The experience convinced me if I could only spend an uninterrupted hour with one million potential customers I could sell one million books.

Maybe my next book signing should be at the local penitentiary.

She was insistent. She really wanted a copy of my book.

Well, all she had to do was buy one.

Understand, too, these books didn’t belong to me. These were all B&N books. She knew that, of course.

That’s why I was shocked when at the end of the night she came over, said she enjoyed meeting me, picked up a copy from the top of my stack, said goodbye . . . and just marched right out the door!

What an ethical dilemma for me.

Should I rat her out? Pay for her copy out of my own pocket? Chase her down and make a citizen’s arrest?

I did none of the above.

I just watched her blaze across the parking lot and felt a sense of deep chagrin.

I was realizing I should have accepted her offer to swap.

Not because it might have staved off this awkward lawlessness.

No, I sense I could learn a thing or two about colorful living from any woman brazen enough to steal books from her very own book signing.

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