March (what used to be called) Tweets of the Month

 

Dog (Snickers) on left from back when he was a remote-sized puppy.  No reason for posting. No reason at all. Enjoy your weekend!

• I’m so conditioned to every innovation being related to snack foods that when I heard Elon Musk was promoting brain chips, I thought, man, I hope he makes some with sea salt & cracked pepper.

• I’m not insinuating our local volunteers join for social reasons. I'm sure it's just pure coincidence that every Friday at 4 p.m. the local whorehouse catches on fire.

• Texas teacher arrested for having sex with student in classroom failed to realize that while educators may touch the future, you're toast if they bust you fondling it.

• It’s Thursday, the day I begin making lists of all the old friends I haven’t talked to in years with the sincere intention of spending the weekend making long personal calls to and will once again put off because it’s the weekend and I’d rather not spend it making long, personal calls to all the old friends I haven’t talked to in years.

• It defies explanation, but if you cherish every moment, life somehow finds a way to give you more moments to cherish.

• Yard work. Painting. Excavating. When in work-obsessed America did weekends cease being weekends? Weekends should be for relaxing. Reading. Cuddling. Jigsaw puzzles. Fewer and fewer seem to realize this. Wake up, America! And go right back to sleep …

• The panic headline du jour involves some techie-sounding bank default they say could impact my savings, which, in fact, are right now at  $0.00. Look, I've endured, and some would say thrived, through pandemic and the death of my favorite bartender. To do what I do, I've been ignored, rejected, mocked and disparaged. I've survived the first six weeks of Kenny Pickett's QB career and the last six week's of the Trump presidency. And here it is again, Monday. You think you can rattle me with accounting errors? Bring it.

• Binge watching is the act of devoting consecutive hours to enjoying a much-hyped program. More common is grudgingly watching a declining show just because of some insane concept of viewer obligation. The realization makes you sick. This is the point at which you've gone from binge watching to purge watching.

• Whether it be climate change or a sudden preference for having their breakfast worms frozen, but robins are no longer a reliable harbinger of Spring. Heck, I've seen robins in January. Looking for a sign of Spring you can trust? Look for me strolling around town in this shirt. I promise to not wear it until the last lick of winter is put to bed. I'm thinking this year it'll be April 14. Now, is it a more reliable sign of Spring if I'm wearing pants or not?

• Being a dedicated and efficient law enforcer is one of the few roles that allow a public servant to truthfully declare they can bust our asses while simultaneously busting theirs. 

• One of my all-time favorite movies is "Scent of a Woman" from 1992, or as I call it in 2023, "Scent of a (she, her, hers)."

• A current national scandal features at its vortex a buxom porn star with a nickname that hearkens violent weather. Question: Will the circumstances open the minds of climate change skeptics? Or do her obvious breast implants give them all the proof they need to convince them it’s all fake?

• It says something splendid about humanity that on the day when long-forecast planetary doom finally arrives, a significant portion of the remaining population are going to be — damn the torpedoes! —having one heckuva good time. Happy Monday!

• Wildlife biologists say humans are the only animal on the planet that rolls its eyes in non-verbal communication. I say that’s because humans are the only animal that gets Dad Jokes.

• Anthropologists estimate that 117 billion humans have lived on Earth since the species appeared in about 50,000 BC. Know what that means? No matter how crappy your day is, it’ll still be better than about 97 percent of the humans who’ve ever lived.

• It’s humbling sharing a house with three opinionated females. In a foolish attempt to gauge where I rank, I made a top 10 list of their consensus priorities. No surprise. I wasn’t on it. So I extended the list to 25. I’m still not on it. But the Jonas Bros. and quinoa are.

• Nine of the last 10 new Instagram followers of mine are much younger women who either have loose morals or are determined to pose and dress as if they want the world to infer they have loose morals. Their profiles say their names are like Destiny06969 or TanyaEZ. Now, many would see all that and conclude it’s fraudulent. I gotta tell you, I see it and think, yeah, I still got it.

• In the interests of quaint authenticity, no business should be allowed to call itself a “shoppe” unless its origins date back at least to the 18th century. It’s a misleading sham that seeks to fool consumers into thinking the proprietor is some tried-and- true mainstay that in this age of slick hucksters can be trusted more than a mere “shop” keeper. Just my opinion. Sincerely, Ye Olde Blogger

• Score another victory for this '16 TINARA Award winner. Girl that cut my hair yesterday asked what I did and I told her I'm a writer. She asked what kind of books and I told her I'm all over. She likes mysteries. When I get home, there's an e-mail saying she bought "The Last Baby Boomer." Cool! So I signed one and ran straight back to the salon. I asked her why that book. "Well," she said, "they all look interesting, but I saw that was a major award winner." Then I had to confess. I made it up. I was jealous of seeing other -- in my eyes -- inferior books with gold stickers. So I invented the TINARA Awards & bestowed upon myself the '16 1st Prize and that TINARA stands for:

This

Is

Not

A

Beal

Award

She laughed. Thought it was funny. At least that's what she said.

I won't know if she's upset 'til after my next hair cut.