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• Just because I think it would be super fun to mess with 'em, I'm thinking of sending the SuperMax warden a sexy Rita Hayworth poster and asking him to give it to El Chapo.
• On this chilly winter day I just saw a man at the bus stop wearing nothing but a musical bellows. He was dressed accordioningly.
• The American Flag: Three colors, countless threads.
• Huge faux pas with a friend I hadn't seen in years. Asked when the baby was due. So embarrassing. Not sure Burt'll ever speak to me again.
• What would happen to the criminal justice system if it was declared that from now on a "jury of our peers" was comprised entirely of the cheerful lunatics drawn from "The Price Is Right" studio audience?
• I’m going to name our next dog "Gusto" so I can spend my days lounging on my couch drinking beer and still contend I'm living with Gusto.
• My daughter, HS senior, is assigned a story on the best person in history. She asked my opinion. I told her Jesus Christ and August Anheuser Busch Sr. were too obvious. Best person in history? Jonas Salk.
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep and the stubborn rest of me refuses to take the hint.
• I sometimes wish I lived during an era when violence was still quaint and one man rattling one saber was alarming enough to become a catch phrase: "Beware: Burt's out saber-rattling again." Today Burt probably owns 30 AR-15s.
• It’s a pity to live in a time when as climate change warning bells toll their doom more people believe in science fiction than in science fact.
• There are evident novelty advantages to riding a magic carpet, but until they provide some necessary lumbar support the concept will always be flawed.
• We live in a time when being right or being wrong matters less than always having someone to blame when it all goes to hell.
• I don't believe it should be in anyway disqualifying but is it a problem when it's impossible to envision any of the candidates said to be throwing their hats in the ring ever even once wearing a hat?
• Many of the people who are opposed to building physical walls along the Mexican border are more than happy to construct truly ugly mental ones between themselves and the neighbors they see every day.
• The self-loathing true conservatives feel at supporting Trump must be akin to what dying vegetarians feel when they realize they’re about to turn zombie.
• Who wants to bet that once/if we get to heaven, one of the most popular rec spots is a combo zoo/waterpark run by the Biblical Noah?
• Time, it is said with admiring wonder, can heal all wounds, a statement that seems to bestow time with god-like powers. Oh, yeah? I'd like to see time fix a busted watch.
• My wife is an editor. I am a writer. When I asked her to turn my comma into an exclamation point, she corrected me.
• I vow profound new respect for Robert Kraft, 77, if the prostitute he hired turns out to be his same age and police reports reveal they were listening to Glenn Miller records while they were doing it.
• With your typical polygamist, it's the more the marry-her.
• Momentarily wondered if Don Cheadle was nominated or had won before realizing my folly. Cheadles never win.
• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities.
• Many men experience what is known as a mid-life crisis at about age 50. Math question: In heaven our souls are supposed to live for eternity. If there's such a thing as a mid-Afterlife crisis, when would it strike?
• I’ve never once heard someone say, "I'm not a racist, but ..." without following up with something unbelievably racist. It would be like me saying, "Now, I'm not lazy ..." and immediately taking a nap.
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