Follow me @8days2Amish! It's like spending the entire month inside my head but without the hangovers...
• Ever-present distractions & video substitutes, for the first time in history humans are at risk of engaging in deliberate illiteracy.
• It may be that I'll always be broke, but by God I'll never be broken.
• I wonder if parents of boys born above the Arctic Circle ever struggle with the illogic of naming the fair-skinned child Tanner.
• Being "left to their own devices," once a stinging form of social abandonment, is now the preferred human activity.
• I’m one of those Christians who believes in God, but has trouble God could ever believe in me.
• Trump is the only man in America whom if you said, "Roy Cohn would be proud of you," would think it's a compliment.
• I’m eager to find a website that archives audios of man’s greatest speeches, but said in the voice of Elmer Fudd. Yes, I have a dweam.
• I wonder if in the interest of modernity Fairfax, Va., is thinking about becoming Fairtext, Va.
• I wonder if in heaven all the movies are G-rated because that's a potential flaw.
• In heaven, the bottom lines will be determined by artists and that means in heaven the bottom lines will be squiggly rainbows.
• I’m confused about pejorative origins of the word “hardship.” Hardship should be good. History would be different if Titanic were a hardship.
• I know it's going to lead to trouble, but I can't resist putting lit matches under ears of strangers & asking, "Are your ears burning?”
• There ought to be a country song called, "I Married a Country Song" and my wife ought to write it.
• My failures have been so persistent my delusions of grandeur have become delusions of mediocrity.
• I wonder if fundamentalist climate change deniers see any irony in having sons named Noah.
• Right now every coach, player and commentator is saying some version of the exact same thing. Rejoice, NFL! We've achieved parroty!
• If something as adversarially named as opposable thumbs can work hand-in-hand, how come the rest of us can’t?
• Any time anyone tells me I'm good listener I want to say, really, I'm just good at smiling and nodding, but all I do is smile and nod.
• Given our societal lasciviousness, I'm surprised I've never seen shirt buttons that look like stiff nipples.
• I predict this is the week Trump declares he will rename Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Make America Great Again.
• How did ammunition get shorted to ammo instead of ammu? Is a word pronounced "am-MOO" too bovine for tough guys?
• I sometimes ask myself if I drink too much. I usually say no. I do this out loud and using two different voices like I'm on stage.
• A woman decides with in 5 seconds whether or not to have sex with a man? That's a lie. I've been married 20 yrs & my wife's still not sure.
• I wonder if there are any bell & whistle stores that boast they sell bells & whistles with all the bells & whistles.
• I so love deadpan humor I can only conclude it killed the livepan kind.
• It’s now been 10 days. So this is the longest Arnold Palmer's gone without signing an autograph in 60 years.
• In the future, early voting will become so popular elections Election Day will be unnecessary.
• Just realized: For the first time in my life, I can probably beat Arnold Palmer at golf - but he'll still have to give strokes.
• Some succeed by digging deep hopes to remove precious metals. If I ever succeed it’ll be ‘cause I’ve dug many shallow holes & planted seeds.
• In the future, "stupid" will be spelled "stoopid" so we can add additional "o's" to illustrate the degree of stoopidity.
• Haven’t had so much as a cold in years. I'd say I was healthy as a horse if I could verify horses suffer from occasional hangovers.
• Just occurred to me: Elvis Presley & Arnold Palmer will be seated near each other if there are homerooms in heaven.
• If house was on fire would you save photo albums or phone? Trick question. Your photo album is your phone and your phone is always there.
• Ideas about how to advance more quickly through lines are queue tips.
• Saw an incongruous scene at Steeler game. Native American Indians in ceremonial dress dancing at scoreboard pavillion. #Yinzdians?
• In order to ease passenger nerves, I propose airlines hire only pilots named Landon so it'll sound like: "Your pilot today will be landin’"
• The Rolling Stones today have more greatest hits albums (14) than most bands have great hits.
• Pokey school bus made me late for "Price is Right" Showdown. Can't help but think this wouldn't have happened if Arnold Palmer hadn't died.
• It’s your past. Make it as colorful as you wish. I say I put myself through college working as a male stripper.
• How sizable would the yard sale be if you had access to all the stuff enemies through-out your life told you to shove up your ass?
• I’m looking forward to reading serious analytic stories about how 16 qualified men couldn't beat Donald Trump, but one woman could.
• The chances of finding suits in a suitcase are even less than those of anyone ever finding gloves in a glovebox.
• A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.
• Lovebirds are fine, but it's too narrow a description for many personalities. There ought to be lovedogs, lovelizards, lovemonkeys, etc.
• I figured out why Earth is such a mess: It's bi-polar!
• Those who obsess over audacious bucket lists go beyond the pail.
• My mind's been wandering so long I'm surprised it's not appeared on someone's milk carton.
• The pessimist bemoans all the traitors who've thrown him under the bus. The optimist thinks one day he'll make a really swell bus mechanic.
• What is it about the language that makes "The Steel Curtain" sound so much more fearsome than "The Steel Drapes?”
• People who say revenge is a dish best served cold fail to realize if revenge had a drive-thru traffic would be lined up for miles.
• I’m still mystified why more transgender people don't congregate in a Wisconsin town named Sheboygan.
• We hear lots about Jesus as the Son of God. I wonder about Uncle Jesus. Wouldn't it have been cool to say Jesus was your Uncle?
• People convicted of road rage offenses should be sentenced to master and when possible go from here to there via tap dance.
• We live in a time when never before have so many unhappy people had the ability to appear so joyously otherwise. Thank you, Facebook!
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