Best tweets of 2014

Happy New Year! Thanks for checking in. You can follow my daily tweets here @8days2Amish.com.

• If our bodies are, indeed, temples then how come everything that comes out of them is so disgusting?

• A sordid affair is 2 people engaged in illicit behavior. Two people busted before they can start having any naughty fun is a sordud one.

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with a “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote and ask the homeowner to bring me a beer. 

• Bumbastic people are prone to talking out of their asses. 

• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.

• Very productive morning. I killed so many birds with so few stones I'm expecting PETA to protest.

• The difference between a mad scientist and a merely angry one is all in the haircut.

• Five years ago tonight someone we'll never hear of lost out to Capt. Sully Sullenberger for USAirways Employee of the Month. 

• Saw a man on this bone-chilling morning standing at the bus stop wearing nothing but a musical bellows. He was dressed accordioningly.

• Little noticed reg in ObamaCare requires docs mimic Billy Joel when they tell patients they've had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack

• If you're livin' in New Orleans and yer nickname ain't "Fats" then you just ain't livin' right.

• Most discriminatory club in America is Groundhog Phil's Inner Circle. Still, America will overlook Phil's bigotry cause he's so darn cute.

• I admit it. I was a goofball when I was kid. But I’ve changed. I’ve hardened. I guess that means today I’m more of a goofpuck.

• I predict milk will be the next common food staple to get the luxury boutique treatment. People will have milk orgies in moo saloons: Cowligula! 

• I wonder if anyone watched the historic U.S. Beatles TV debut and said, "When I grow up I want to be just like Ed Sullivan!”

• Many people flirt with disaster. Me, I slip it some Ecstasy, a made-up phone number and just let chips fall where they may.

• The best prosthetic salesmen and women are blessed with disarming personalities. 

• Ambitious tailors who work exclusively on 3-piece suits have vested interests.

• Two days too late it just occurred to me: Women's Figure Skating no longer involves women with figures.

• Really popular all-you-can-eat buffets are places where the crowd never thins.

• Call me reactionary, but I have to figure they use one hell of a lot of hand sanitizer in Germany.

• If I ever have money burning a hole in my pocket the first thing- I'm gonna do is rush out and buy some flame retardant pants.

• I’m so cheap I wish Latrobe had a Dutch restaurant so I could invite my wife to dinner and say, "Let's go Dutch!" and get out of paying.

• True dreamers fly kites with no strings attached.

• Remember, it's okay to cook on a spit, but never spit on your cook.

• I hope someday to persuade Derek Jeter to draw me a little stick figure cartoon just so I can justifiably call it a Dandy Yankee doodle.

• I told a friend that careful mimes can be safe, but never sound. He accused me of thinking inside the box.

• A clear, sharp mind is a brute impediment to enjoying so much of life's wonder and whimsy. I'm glad that's not one of my problems.

• I’m always surprised when I hear how much roofers earn. I always thought they worked on the house.

• Can’t prove it and I'd never dream of trying it, but I'll bet I'm friends with many 50 year old men who'd fall for the "Got yer nose!" gag.

• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out. 

• I’m proud to say I've spent past 22 years living by my wits, but acknowledge I'm often so broke I've come to believe I'm not all that witty. 

• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity. 

• I wish no ill on any being but I hope for the sake of Earth's collective cool that Paul outlives Ringo.

• It would be deliciously news to ironic historians if Joan of Arc ordered steak for her last meal.

• I sometimes fear my Odor Eaters will forget their benign mission and begin consuming parts of me I’m casual about washing.

• I’m going to spend the weekend developing a fruity superhero who shoots apple juice out his wrists. Yes, watch out! It's CiderMan!

• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”

• No excess yeast is used in the making of pita bread. No animals were harmed in the making of PETA bread. 

• If marriage is so great then how come there isn't a Mrs. God? 

• If we've learned anything from watching today's "Three Stooges," it is to never say, "Here! Take mine!" whenever Moe asks for a hammer.

• For a guy who became famous singing "Born To Run," I'll wager Bruce Springsteen doesn't even own a pair track shoes.

• Sometimes when I'm pumping gas and feeling really naughty I remove my credit card really, really slowly just to stick it to The Man.

• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.

• News says Springsteen flies home on a private jet after every show. Tramps like him, baby, they were born to skip long TSA security checkpoints.

• John Lennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.

• I’m thinking of forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!”

• Daughter, 13, just texted me she is bored spending time at grandpa's. I advised her to set something on fire.

• When Kris Kristofferson sings about Bobby McGee, it's about a woman. When Janis does, it's a dude. Question: Is Bobby McGee a hermaphrodite?

• Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus. 

• Physicians who share waiting rooms often try each others' patients.

• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL)

• I hope tonight Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration. 

• Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.

• A good, warm shower is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.

• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys.

• I so enjoy it I don't want sticks of butter, I want butter on a stick.

• In her restless quest to determine who has more omnipotence, daughter, 7, asked who has more elves: God or Santa?

• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.

• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.

• The greatest lie we tell to one another is, “Hate to say I told you so, but ...” Saying, “I told you so,” is one of life’s greatest joys.

• Told 7-year-old if she squeeze a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.

• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.

• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.

• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?

• Don Cheadle was nominated for a 2004 Oscar for his role in "Hotel Rwanda." I love Cheadle but he didn't stand chance. Cheadles never win

• Many of us used to live lives of quiet desperation. Now, thanks to Twitter, all our desperation is at full blast. Let's turn it up to 11!

• Don’t take this wrong, but if you know more quotes from “Art of War” author Sun Tzu than you do Fred Rogers you’re probably an asshole.

• Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to be forever berated over their failure by those of us who do. 

• How come there isn't an '80s tribute band called Roberto Duran Duran?

• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease” 

• I wonder how many times pretentious erotic film makers have re-done porno "Moby Dick" just to use the line, "Thar she blows!”

 • I’m inexperienced in either endeavor, but I imagine a tame goose chase would be just as exhilarating as a wild one.

• Palindrome should be spelled “palindromemordnilap”

• Someday I’m going to enter a house with “Welcome!” mat, sit on the couch, grab the remote & ask homeowner to bring me a beer and some chips

• Scientists will in 10 yrs figure way to harness hate as renewable energy. Good: it's green. Bad: Driving someone crazy will be civic minded. 

• Chicken fingers are one of America's most popular meals. Yet, chickens have no arms or hands. Something strange happens between farm & table.

• I’m going to stand in dimly lit room, extend video cam & spin ‘til I’m dizzy. Then I’ll post & boast I spent 2 mins in eye of a tornado.

• Your typical pessimist suffers from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

• Daughter, 8, surprised me by saying she dreams of going to Amsterdam. Why? She said she thought it'd be cute. She thought it was Hamsterdam.

• Being a world class juggler takes real balls. Or clubs, pins, etc.

• I plan on devoting tomorrow to conducting comprehensive study on marketing breath mints. I'll call it, "The Tactics of Tic Tacs.”

• I’m curious about the net worth of people who make nets.

• Wonder how much money I could make if I told people I could sell 'em skinny pills & sold 'em bottles full of pills with really slim waists. 

• If people who revere the Grateful Dead are called “Deadheads,” what does that make those of us who revere “Moby Dick?”

• Some might consider putting fancy prosthetics on injured animals faux paw.

• Cynics who do nothing but predict gloom and doom are misfortune tellers.

• I know it's going to lead to trouble, but I can't resist putting lit matches under ears of strangers and asking, "Are your ears burning?”

• I wonder if alpha walruses every get into beach shoving matches shouting, "I am the walrus!" "No, I am the walrus!" #coocookachu

• I think it's time we rename Buffalo to Uninhabitable. Humans can't live there. Heck, buffalo can't live in Buffalo.

• Porcine puppeteers pull hamstrings.

• Anytime I hear anyone saying "cooler heads will prevail," I keep hoping one of the cooler heads is wacky snowman Olaf from “Frozen.”