I know, I know. What kind of blogger starts the week off with a lame Twitter round-up? Well, my car’s getting worked on and I might not be able to post anything else until near dinner. So I had to at least show up today. Not posting anything might cause the blogger federation to launch an investigation.
These are all from 8days2amish.
• #JohnLennon imagined a world at peace. I imagine how different people's faces would look if our eyeballs were squares.
• I’m thinking of forming a really shitty Fab Four tribute band. "Ladies and gentleman, please give a warm welcome to ... The Dung Beatles!"
• Many people pray to God without ever realizing how many God-like powers we all possess. With just one word we can make or ruin someone's day.
• We’ve all heard of gators being flushed and growing in sewers to terrifying sizes. Anyone wonder what’s happening to all the #stinkbugs ?
• The wave of vast emptiness I felt realizing that Mick is 70 and will one day die eased somewhat with the realization Keith never will.
• Daughter, 13, just texted me she is bored spending time at grandpa's. I advised her to set something on fire.
• When Kris Kristofferson sings about Bobby McGee, it's about a woman. When Janis does, it's a dude. Question: Is Bobby McGee a hermaphrodite?
• Being happy isn’t as important as always trying to be happy. Happiness can be taken away. Always trying is what makes happy a habit.
• I’d like to see a reality show about former reality show stars desperately clinging to fame by pitching new reality shows.
• #Nostradamus used his visionary mind to predict the future. A seer who does the same thing using only a keen sense of smell is Nostrildamus.
• Surprised Conservatives angry about global warming proponents haven't demanded Beach Boys renounce their "Endless Summer" album.”
• Swore it wouldn't happen. Swore they wouldn't wear me down. Wrong! I now think I'm being witty when I ask people, "What's in your wallet?”
• Supreme Court allows #publicprayer at municipal meetings. Oh, goody. I’m sure politicians will immediately cease acting like craven jerks.
• Physicians who share waiting rooms often try each others' patients.
• Tomorrow NFL commish Goodell will euphorically hug large men with whom he has nothing in common & will soon anger with fines & suspensions
• Americans Against Stupid Silent Letters unite! It's no longer Wednesday. Let's all make it Wensday! (this message brought to you by AASSL)
• I humbly try and include at least one deliberate typo in everything I write lest people think I'm too perfict.
• Making a good first impression important, but I’ve found the ones who make best impression are ones who at first make barely any impression
• I’d like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall
• I hope tonight Roger Goodell greets one top draftee so exuberantly he has to fine himself for an excessive celebration.
• Technological advances combined with desperate bookkeeping mean many people today rob Peter to PayPal.
• Skeptical parents’ refusal to get kids inoculated against infectious diseases is turning measles into youasles.
• A good shower is about as close to returning to the womb as we can get without inconveniencing Mom.
• How massive is my ego? When daughter, 13, is in car texting to friends I believe she is writing, "My Daddy is the greatest!”
• I have to think giraffe parents take it far more seriously than human counterparts when they catch giraffe teenagers necking.
• You’d think from today's Facebook every mom's a saint. Nope. One of these days I'm going to write a book, "Famous Sons of Famous Bitches.”
• Naming a baby boy "Les" is fraught with pitfalls. He could be Les Moore, Les White, Les Hart. I wonder if anyone's ever named a son Fewer.
• I’d vow to never have more fun than a barrel of monkeys if I can be assured it'll never result in the inhumane cruelty of barreled monkeys
• How come doctors don't prescribe laughing gas for patients in "serious" condition?
• I wonder if Noah had a momentary crisis of faith when he saw two stink bugs approaching the ark.
• I wonder if Caveman upon first seeing his reflection thought he was repugnant or said, “My God, I’m gorgeous!”
• I know a secret! I know why there's a hole in donuts. I think I'll let the suspense on this one build until it's fit to bust.
• If I were a marine biologist I’d try and get my colleagues to call a school of fish a campus.
• “Caught in a world of uphill climbin’, tears are in my eyes an’ nothin’ is rhymin’!” Oh, Manilow. That IS rhyming!
• Cook at office/bar said he'd seen me at bar 3 times in last 24 hours. Bartender said if I worked above a bakery I'd weigh 500 pounds.
• Someday I hope I'm as happy as the girls in the hair commercials. They make having really great hair seem utterly euphoric.
• Many people say they want to be writers when what they mean is they want to be either John Grisham or J.K. Rowling.
• I so enjoy it I don't want sticks of butter, I want butter on a stick.
• I’ll probably see the movie, but as scary as Godzilla looks I'm surprised Hollywood hasn't made a movie about Devilzilla.
• Just learned #KarlRove was born on Dec. 25. I believe it's the only thing he and Jesus have in common.
• Do sober people who are on the wagon fight over who gets to be the wagon's designated driver?
• I find it impossible to eat a whole carrot without at least once saying aloud, "Eh . . . What's up, Doc?”
• In her restless quest to determine who has more omnipotence, daughter, 7, asked who has more elves: God or Santa?
• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.
• I’d like to see Bruno Mars and Venus Williams get together and have a kid who could be described as earthy.
• The greatest lie we tell to one another is, “Hate to say I told you so, but ...” Saying, “I told you so,” is one of life’s greatest joys.
• One of these days I'm going to share the story of the unscrupulous masseuse who was arrested for armed rubbery.
• Having a bad day? Try humming in your head the Vince Guaraldi piano riff from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Works every time.
• I like to ask fitness fanatics if dire situations required the deed, what part of themselves would they eat 1st. Most fun with vegetarians.
• I remain amazed the lobster tanks at my grocery store are locked. What shoplifter is brave enough to shove a live lobster down his pants?
• The older I get the more the term “religious holiday” strikes me as an oxymoron.
• Told 7-year-old if she squeeze a piece of coal hard enough she’ll make a diamond. She squeezed so hard she almost made a turd.
• I wish when I was younger I'd joined the Peace Corps and did hydro-electric work in 3rd world countries so I could say I once gave a dam.
• If Jeremiah was, indeed, a bullfrog, who drove him to the liquor store to get his mighty fine wine? So much of the story remains untold.
• I’m convinced we could end world hunger if for just one summer USA agreed to cease all competitive eating contests.
• Until every single crawling or winged insect respects a 5-foot privacy zone around my exposed skin, summer will always be overrated.
• I wonder how guys like Bach and Beethoven reacted when during meltdowns someone told them to compose themselves.
• Some sleepless night I'm gonna invent a game I'll call "Insomnia Bingo." On-line players report the clock times they awaken until “Bingo!"
• Sure, he has his faults but the only thing I can conclude about fevered Obama-bashers is they must have been sound asleep from 2000-2008.
• We’re depleting the oceans, burning the forests, using up all the resources. We're not Earthlings. We're parasites with personalities.
• Remember, having a really great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap
• Some who want to "take our country back" mean to a time when old white men ruled country. Me, I want it back to when #Steelers ruled it.
• Saying an injured ball player is "day-to-day" drives me nuts. We're all day-to-day!
Related . . .
Ouch! You're letting your partisan colors show, Tom!
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