After two years, I think I’ve about got the hang of this Twitter thing, which means I’m due for a slump that will make me want to give it all up as a big waste of time. But the last two months I’ve been very prolific with lots of good ones, at least in my opinion. See for yourself.
Oh, and I’ll have my second annual tweets of the year round-up in the next couple of days. Follow my tweets at 8days2amish if you're ever impatient for them.
Go Steelers!
• True faith isn't believing in God. True faith is when Curly yells, "Moe! Larry! Help! Help!" and believes the situation will improve.
• I’m so pretentiously self-important my voice mail ends, “If this is a real emergency please call 911.” Like others call me to sked surgery.
• Earth is the last place anyone will ever hear the question: Friend or foe? In heaven, it’ll be, “Friend or lover?” In hell, “Foe or in-law?”
• It reveals a profound ignorance about my understanding of pharmaceuticals, but I'm surprised iron supplements don't weigh more.
• I'm surprised more chiropractors don't advertise that their patients are better adjusted.
• When Yosemite Sam says, "Say your prayers, rabbit!" does Bugs Bunny pray to the same God as you and I?
• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy."
• Must be tough for peg-leg pirate captains to be taken seriously when they say they’re really going to put their foot down.
• A mohawk is a colorful hairdo. A Moe Hawk is an irrationally angry bird that inflicts slapstick violence on a Curly Hawk or Larry Hawk.
• I advise people to not fixate on diet. A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
• I enjoy the convenience of the modern devices, but I sometimes find myself nostalgic for the days when phones were still phone shaped.
• Many newspapers today reporting on their 15-yr-old websites that still have bugs that 8-wk-old healthcare.gov website still has bugs
• If I restricted conversation to only enlightened thinkers it would be a very lonely existence and I’d have to stop talking to even myself.
• Batteries die and come back to life so frequently I'm surprised there's not a cult. Worked out for Jesus.
• Scientists will in 10 yrs figure way to harness hate as renewable energy. Good: it's green. Bad: Driving someone crazy will be civic minded.
• A pessimist dwells on the fact that Smallpox killed 15 million. An optimist says at least it wasn't Bigpox.
• Dozens of "pilot" whales stranded/lost near Everglades. Given my experience, I'm guessing these pilots work for USAirways.
• Has anyone thought about what we’re going to do with all the telephone poles once the whole world’s wireless?
• Do other animals in nature use their tails to wipe their tears or is that behavior exclusive to the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz?
• Nelson Mandela, one of the world's great leaders, is gone. Who'll fill his shoes? Geez, I guess it's Bono.
• It says something about accomplishments of Nelson Mandela that his death has temporarily made people forget actor Paul Walker's gone.
• Given their penchant for relentless self-promotion, I'm surprised NBC didn't cast Al Roker for the Sister Maria role.
• I’m so simple-minded I still rush to put an X in center square of every hashtag then sit there and wait for someone to make the next move.
• The more I see and learn of Pope Francis the more I hope he lives another 100 or so years.
• Even the most successful vegetable farmers are doomed to live in the seediest parts of town.
• When Mandela said we need to stop hating everyone he wasn't including Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, was he? No way, right?
• I'd like to be a fly on the wall when flies on the wall discuss their bafflement over why any human would ever want to be a fly on the wall
• Someday I hope I'm as happy as all the girls in the hair commercials. They make having really great hair seem utterly euphoric.
• Just saw the name “Christian” is 34th most popular boy name. I’ll let you know when I get to the name “Atheist.”
• We should distribute phone numbers in order of importance. It’d be fun to watch Trump argue that he, not God, should be #1.
• Mandela forgave jailers 44 years wrongful imprisonment. I want lethal revenge on those who cost me 75 secs by stopping at stale yellows
• It's a cruel irony that things that could most benefit from alcoholic diversion - church, work, parenting - require at least some sobriety
• I love slapstick comedy, but the idea of watching a film where people get slapped with sticks makes me sad.
• It was the greatest impostor performance since Lt. Frank Drebin pretended to be both a MLB umpire and opera tenor Enrico Pallazzo.
• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.
• My tweets are more lively when I'm agitated, yet I still strive for serenity. Thus, my life's great paradox.
• The people in our lives we most frequently exhort to "have fun!" are the ones least in need of that kind of advice.
• Runways among our most illogical words. Planes never run on runways. If we named them after what happens most on them they'd be waitways.
• I was just in my mind listing the 5 most influential people from my life; 4 of them are bartenders. It’s all starting to make sense.
• The next song Rod Stewart records will make his ratio of crap songs to 30-year-old good ones about 25-to-1
• Shoes are our most human-like accessory. Like us, they have tongues, eyeholes, heels, toes -- if they had souls not soles they'd be equals.
• Self-cannabalization gives literal depth to the old you-are-what-you-eat dietary adage.
• Being on the web, today's Yellow Pages are neither yellow nor pages.
• “Godspell” is a popular theatrical production. “Spell God” is a question that will get public school teachers into trouble with the ACLU.
• I love brats on a bun, but hate having them in my neighborhood. The cruel paradox will again keep me awake tonight.
• This is just a hunch, but they must use lots and lots of hand sanitizer in Germany.
• I'm surprised none of the hand soap people have used Pontius Pilot in ads.
• Given the dietary challenges Paleolithic cavemen faced, I'm surprised Fred & Barney were tubby. I'm surprised they found time to bowl, too.
• If making botanical sense was a goal of our language, pineapples would grow on pine trees.
• Remember, having a really great relationship with the Lord doesn’t mean you can treat the rest of us like crap.
• I'm trying to persuade daughters to rename our annoying little yip dog Peeve, so I can with all honesty say, "And this dog is my pet Peeve."
• Attending church scares me. I'm fearful I'll need to bury my inner smart ass so deeply it will suffocate and life will become meaningless
• Skeptics abound, but I swear if www.ChristianMingle.com is a success, then www.ChristianFornicator.com would have to hit, too!
• Most of the those engaged in pathetic argument about whether Santa is white or black probably stopped believing in Santa when they were 4.
• It used to be said that religion was opiate of the masses. No more. Today, it’s basic cable television and increasingly things like opium.
• Honesty without tact is like brain surgery without anesthesia. The operation could cure but the complications can kill.
• Who else here loves psilent letters!
• If Flex Seal works as well as the commercials say it does, I'll never need Right Guard again!
• Women who purse their lips are apt to put their money where their mouth is.
• The person you see for oral difficulties should be called a mouthist or toothist. A dentist should be who you see after a fender bender.
• Equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.
• “It’s a Wonderful Life” rates 95 percent on www.RottenTomatoes.com. Question: Who are the jackass 6 percent?
• Nana just demolished any chance at being cool in granddaughter's eyes by responding, "Susan Boyle," when asked to name her favorite Beatle.
• Now, pope is saying atheists are people, too. He's either a heretic or God's ironic gift to secular humanists.
• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender
• For authenticity's sake, websites should be run by spiders.
• “Breaking Bad” marathon reminding me how Walter and Jesse are the Abbott & Costello of meth manufacturer/dealers.
• I'll bet if Lazarus had a brother or sister they were jealous that he wound up getting two birthdays a year.
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