I guess I tweeted about 750 times this year at 8days2amish. So let’s cap 2012 off with a list of the best 10 percent from that bunch. I’m grateful to all of you who’ve checked in to my blog over the past year, referred it to friends and to the many who’ve bought my book. Have a great night and let’s all be ready to start giving it hell on January 2nd. Happy New Year!
• What does it mean when you hear "Hoo! Hoo!" on Christmas Eve? Owl be home for Christmas.
• Forlorn should be fourlorn so we could gauge degrees of our lornness. Ex: "I was feeling sixlorn, but became twolorn after I had a cookie."
• Shakespeare succeeded without the services of a press agent. Go ahead and check the history books. There's no such thing as Bard publicity.
• Your life will be appreciably more balanced & sane if you wake up Monday & realize your job isn't nearly as important as you think it is.
• If you’re not laughing or crying you’re not living. Or else you’re working, in school, in a doctor’s waiting room, getting tires rotated ...
• Fashion experts who work to ensure ample bosoms fit snugly in brassieres are rack-contours.
• It is my contention that religious harmony will prevail throughout the world if only Islamabad changes its name to Islamagood.
• Foolish mortals! You think you can tell time. Time tells you!
• In honor of the annual Super Bowl nonsense about to swamp us all, my phone number in Roman Numerals is DCCXXIV CMLXI MMDLVIII. Call me!
• When Yosemite Sam says, "Say your prayers, rrrrrabbit!" does Bugs Bunny pray to the same God as you and I? Or is He animated and voiced by Mel Blanc?
• Does it make me liberal or conservative if Jimmy cracks corn and I don't care?
• Parenting advice from Elton John I consider sound enough to follow: Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.
• The day chickens start laying Cadbury eggs is the day I become a chicken farmer.
• Airing anti-depressant drug ads during a Three Stooges marathon seems like a gross misapplication of marketing funds.
• Romantic trees can never be accused of being "too sappy."
• Very productive morning. I killed so many birds with so few stones I'm expecting PETA to protest.
• Really popular all-you-can-eat buffets are places where the crowd never thins.
• Rick Santorum's kids stare at him the way the apostles must have stared at Jesus after he told a really great joke.
• Anyone know if the Doomsday Clock has a snooze alarm?
• If Flex Seal works as well on underarms as it does on screendoor boats I'll never need Right Guard again!
• I understand basic physics, but I defy even Sir Isaac Newton to explain why the Coyote always without fail falls faster than the anvil.
• Soon, "dodged a bullet" won't be a quaint phrase about evading a challenge, it'll be the answer to the question, "So, what'd you do today?"
• Anyone care to guess the identity of the favorite Stooge the girl Billy Idol sings about in "Rebel Yell?" That's right. It's "Moe! Moe! Moe!”
• Has the straight to-the point pick-up line "Hello I love you. Will you tell me your name?" ever worked for anyone besides Jim Morrison?
• Does anyone else wonder if all the other kids made fun of him because Jeremiah was a bullfrog?
• I've lived a long time but I've never known anyone who when they were young & their heart was an open book used to say live & let live.
• Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued. Lemon Lyme Disease leaves victims chronically fatigued sourpusses.
• Now that Anderson Cooper's admitted he's gay, maybe Donald Trump will be encouraged to step forward and finally admit he's an ass.
• How come a single camera lens isn't properly referred to as a camera len?
• The word "astute" doesn't sound like it should convey wisdom. It sounds like it should convey flatulence.
• Instamacy is the mutual attraction so powerful it causes consenting adults to leap into bed moments after first locking eyes.
• Despite the obvious mathematical inconsistencies, a game of 8 Ball played between two naked men is still called 8 Ball.
• Artistic people often settle disputes by drawing straws.
• Starry-eyed singles who date someone proficient in detonating pyrotechnics are apt to go out with a bang.
• If I limited my conversations to only intelligent people, mine would be a very lonely existence and I’d have to quit talking to even myself
• People who say not owning a computer is old school are wrong. Today, even all the old schools have computers.
• I'm sure he was a perfectly competent carpenter, but I think Jesus missed his calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender.
• Asked daughter, 6, if she'd had anything healthy to eat today. She said her gum was strawberry. I surrendered to her logic.
• Too many people who bury the hatchet immediately start trying to remember where they put the shovel.
• Shrewd fortune tellers probably greet every new customer with, “I've been expecting you.”
• Never make the mistake of sipping life. Sip wine. Gulp life.
• John Doe is a pseudonym for someone lost and unidentifiable, often for medical reasons. Someone who's lost and just stupid is a John D'oh!
• I’ve cut my nose off so many times to spite my face it’s become physically impossible for me to stop and smell the roses.
• A single splash of water killed the Wicked Witch of the West. Logical conclusion: Not only was she evil, she also reeked.
• If Three Dog Night had performed before Caesar they would have been called Tres Canis Nox.
• I wish Apple would cease making new iPhones and instead develop an engine that runs on all the iPhones they’ve snookered us into discarding.
• It'd be neat if our sneezes revealed our personalities. Cheerful people would sneeze confetti; sweet people jelly beans; politicians, crap.
• Chefs with rashes are the best at cooking from scratch.
• “Live and learn” is a popular phrase with no practical application. Most people live and stay stupid.
• Runways among our most illogical words. Planes never run on runways. If we named them after what happens most on them they'd be waitways.
• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."
• The problem with most people isn’t just that they have their heads up their asses. The problem is how many can’t stop admiring the view.
• That which does not kill me usually leaves me with one whopper of a hangover.
• Let's find homeless Happy Days star Erin Moran work. How about an antiquing show? "Joannie Loves Tchotchke!”
• Some fathers are guilty of helicopter parenting. I'm a sidecar parent, just along for the ride.
• Does the god in peanut heaven look like that dapper monocled gent on the Planter’s jars? I call him Shelly.
• We name our dogs Rover, Snickers, Socks and a plethora of other colorful handles. But you'll never meet a cricket that isn't named Jiminy.
• The DeVito-Pearlman breakup involves the separation of the two smallest bodies since the splitting of the atom.
• In the future we will live in smart structures that will shrewdly detect energy needs, flaws, security, etc. They will be Sherlock Homes.
• If it's true that impairment begins with the first drink then I've been impaired since 1978.
• I keep thinking solar plexus is some kind of exciting new green energy, but something in my gut tells me it isn't.
• Vanity plastic surgery will become so prevalent men will flock to a store called "Dicks" and they won't be there for sporting goods.
• I woke up to a nightmare last evening. I was in a raft on a stream called Creativity Creek and couldn’t conjure an imaginary paddle.
• I’ve spent nearly my whole life in one or the other and still can't distinguish between bar, tavern, pub or saloon. More study required.
• How come the only thing anyone ever battens down are hatches? Battening sounds fun. I’m going to try and batten down the dog.
• Any outdoor roadside advertising that features spurious claims should be called a bullboard.
• Cialis ad saying to contact doc if erection lasts more than 4 hours has me sadly wondering if my life's erections have totaled 4 hours.
• Once they teach you to strike while the iron is hot, is there anything left to blacksmith school? Student loans must be miniscule.
• My faith in humanity is always restored anytime I see someone get out of a handicap space with a cane. Me, I always fake a little limp.
• Families are God’s way of reminding us we humans are incapable of helping even the ones we love most.
• Election makes Nov. 8 feel like a liberal holiday. I'm going to celebrate by saying a prayer to Allah, smoking some medical marijuana and kissing a man.
• Mick Jagger's 40-yr-old love letters up for auction. I'd like to see Keith buy them, get shitfaced and host a dramatic reading.
• Aggressive stationary sales people are always pushing the envelope.
• Quick! Anyone recall the name of Viggo Mortensen movie where he's an ex-hoodlum who owns a small town diner and takes up fiddle? "History of Violins?"
• Any truth to the rumor Yoko Ono is licensing a John Lennon app aimed at cleaning up grammatical clutter? #InstantComma
• The 2nd most famous elevator company behind Otis is Schindler. Yes, there's a Schindler's Lift.
• Sentence sinking writers who terrorize readers with reckless and unnecessary punctuation are commakazis.
• Giddy scientists at Hadron SuperCollider claim to have created a new type of matter. I predict it will become known as the Doesn't Matter.
• Just once I'd like to hear news reports of a man being slain by a blunt instrument and learn the weapon was a tuba.
• One advantage of writing book on being colorful: I could rob a bank in Speedo & people would say, "Ah, Rodell's just being colorful again." This I plan on exploiting.
• True dreamers fly kites with no strings attached.
Happy New Year!
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