Let's all America go to the movies

I usually begin each day taking grim inventory of my reflection. It’s not pretty.

Bloodshot eyes, gaping facial pores, unsightly nostril hairs dangling like Tarzan vines over my cracked lips -- ugh.

Damn the man who invented the mirror.

That’s why the first-thing question that’s popped into my head the last four days has been a tone-setting triumph.

“Am I a man or a muppet?”

That’s a key line from the new Muppet movie. After seeing the movie on Sunday, I can’t ask it of myself without recalling uproarious laughter.

I only wish I were a muppet. They’re splitting up a pot of loot that’s in the neighborhood of $30 million.

That’s a lot of dough for piles of stitched cloth and feathers. And you know what?

It’s not nearly enough. For the good of the country, it should be more.

Here’s what I’d do if I were president in this time of national crabbiness: I’d declare tomorrow afternoon a paid holiday.

“Everyone’s going to stop what they’re doing and we as a nation are going all go to the movies,” I’d say. “But you can’t see the vampire flick, the latest Sandler stinker or that one that hints our former FBI director likes to wear frilly dresses. No, we’re all going to see the Muppet movie.

“And when it’s done we’re all going out to our neighborhood bars and restaurants to talk about it. Oh, and one more thing: Free popcorn for everyone!”

Wouldn’t that be splendid?

When I’m not looking in the mirror taking stock of my flaws, I spend a lot of time deep in my own head. I wonder why I’m the way I am, my two defining characteristics being happiness and insolvency.

I’ve concluded the one has to do with the other.

I like to drink in bars. I like to golf with buddies. I like to sit in the warm sunshine and watch baseball games. And I like to spend silly cuddle time at home with my three darlings.

But what I like to do most goes unmentioned in those varied pursuits: Man, I like to laugh.

I try and do mostly legal things that lead to that reaction.

Sadly, steady laughter gets in the way of doing things like earning a living or tracking my on-line back account, an activity that often leads me to weep.

So of course I just love it when I find a really funny movie.

Here are five movies I can watch over and over because they always make me laugh: “Hot Fuzz,” “Zombieland,” “Slapshot,” “Animal House,” and “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.”

And now add to that list “The Muppets.”

It’s just a hilarious joy.

It’s one of those rare funny movies that couldn’t be improved with profanity. I think.

Inappropriate profanity always makes me laugh. Our 5-year-old’s showing this tendency, too.

She came up to me the other day and wickedly whispered, “Daddy, do you know ‘hello’ has the H-word in it!’”

It’s true. So now without fail I cheerfully greet her, “HELL-o, Lucy!” She laughs her little ass off.

I can’t wait until she’s 6 when I deem her mature enough to watch that marvelous swearfest that is “Midnight Run,” another of my favorite funnies.

I wish more people would instinctively reach for laughter over other more base ambitions. People are so reflexively serious.

I started today thinking I’d write about a brainy front page topic, but wisely veered off.

There are already too many people paying too much attention to politics, locker room scandals, the Euro, and money bags bankers contemplating their next bailouts.

What this country needs is a really good laugh.

The Muppets have shown up just in time.

So do yourself a favor and go see it. Take a kid, take your folks, take a neighbor, kidnap a grumpy stranger from the bus stop. Old, young, black, white -- it works with every demographic.

I swear you’ll enjoy it.

Feel free to swear, too. That always cracks me up.