Future town halls to determine weather

Today’s raucous town halls about health care will seem tame in 15 years when states convene to determine what sort of climate they want within their own borders.

And I believe that’s what the future holds. Today, our brightest minds are meeting to work on solving our most pressing problem: global warming.

I’m one of those types of pacifists that wants to strangle strangers whenever I hear them make Al Gore jokes during cool summers or mild winters.

I’m more persuaded by the veteran Space Shuttle astronaut who recently remarked that from space our world looks a lot less white -- and he wasn’t addressing demographic trends involving border jumping Mexicans.

He’d been in space about 10 years ago and marveled at the vivid colors of our gigantic marble floating through the cosmos.

There were blues, greens and, draped atop our majestic mountain peaks, blankets of pure white.

Now he says the whites no longer dominate the world in ways that should concern even those who are sensitive to things like racial balance.

The anecdotal evidence that keeps piling up convinces me. I saw a news report about a new picture book that contrasts images of iconic mountain tops like the Matterhorn from today with 50 years ago.

And isn’t that a honkin’ great name for a mountain? Matter-Horn. Toot! Toot!

Sure, it could be seasonal deviations, but there’s a lot less snow in places where snow used to be abundant.

I believe we’re finally waking up to a problem that threatens our very existence. Government, industry and the geniuses they hire are working together to reduce green house gases.

I’m confident they will succeed and by the year 2025, global warming will be stabilized. Mankind will have scored a glorious victory.

My fear is the inevitable over-reach that happens anytime man becomes arrogant with achievement.

Entrepreneurs will modify the science and -- voila! -- soon individual states will be allowed to manipulate the climate any way they want, according to the wishes of will of the voters.

Florida will decide to regulate its climate so it’s the comfortable 88-degree high/62-degree low all us snowbirds expect when we wing off to the Sunshine State.

More than 1/3 of the population in places like Vermont and Colorado rely on winter recreation for employment. They’ll be able to turn dials in the state capitals that mean frosty conditions will prevail from Labor Day through Memorial Day, when climatic adjustments will lead to thaws and immediate transitions to summer fun.

Scarred by decades of devastating fires, Californians will go against their sunny dispositions and dial up soaking rains every two weeks

Where things will get interesting are in places like Illinois, Michigan and here in Pennsylvania. These are the places where we bitterly bitch about winter, but enjoy the change of seasons.

Fall and spring are splendid. Summer needs no adjusting. I hate winter, but do enjoy some seasonal snowfall.
If I can, I’ll vote to ensure a white Christmas and will vote for heavy snows on just 10 weekends of the year, those being whenever the Pittsburgh Steelers play a home game on outdoor Heinz Field. I love watching the great Steelers play in the snow.

But what about cranky old-timers?

Heck in 2025, I’ll be a cranky old timer.

Will some yammering kid start shouting at me that she wants to be a Winter X-Game snowboard champ and thinks Pennsylvania should be smothered in year-round snow? I could see us getting into a town hall shouting match that will make the news when I bite the tip of her sassy finger off with my false teeth.

It’s bound to be an interesting and historic time.

Of course, it’ll all be rendered moot when in 2035 scientists begin to offer iPhone applications that allow individualized weather systems.

That way the weather we’re wanting can follow us all around like meteorological mood rings.

And, no matter what the weather, that’s promises to be really cool.